132: Do You Suck At Apologies? Here Are 4 Steps To Healing Hurts With Your Spouse

February 15, 2021

Why is it so hard to say, “I’m sorry?” If you’ve been married longer than a week, you’ve probably already realized that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. You will have disagreements, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or trust broken. Making mistakes is what makes us human. But, when you’ve hurt your spouse, knowing the right way to apologize makes all the difference. True apologies strengthen your relationship and bring you closer together, not further apart. That’s why we want to give you 4 steps to healing hurts with your spouse by learning the art of apologizing.

An Important Note:

Before we dive in, we do want to note that some mistakes are bigger than others. Sometimes saying sorry is not enough, especially if there is a big betrayal like an affair. If you are walking through this journey, these 4 steps are a good start, but we highly recommend counseling both for you as a couple, and also as individuals. There is much more that needs to be worked through than we have time to discuss today.

Apologizing is about Repairing connection:

Knowing you’ve hurt the one you love feels awful, right? And it may feel quite frustrating when it seems like whatever you do or say makes things worse. “I said I’m sorry! What else do you want?!” Apologizing to your spouse and healing your relationship involves more than just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about repairing your connection. As Dr. John Gottman, says, “Successful relationships master the art of apology.”

Learning how to apologize well is one of the keys to successful relationships. It’s not about accepting the blame for something. But, instead, it’s about acknowledging and responding to your spouse’s emotional pain. You can and should be accountable, but as we talked about in last week’s episode about boundaries, everyone is responsible for their emotional reactions.

Relationships are a tender dance that can have many stepping on toes moments from both dance partners. But, by knowing how to apologize well, these “stepping on toes” moments can go from hurting each other to learning to work together and repair your emotional connection.

Have you Taken The Relationship Check-in Quiz?

Take this relationship quiz with your spouse. Within minutes, you will immediately see the strengths of your relationship and also the areas of growth that you can focus on this year. We know this is going to be a great asset in building a strong, connected, and joy-filled marriage.

In This Episode, You Will Hear About:

The 3 ways to ruin an apology:
1. Include the word “but.”
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
3. Include the word “if.”
The 4 steps to healing hurt with your spouse:
1. Sincerely apologize.
2. Acknowledge their pain and don’t get defensive.
3. Express that you are willing to do what it takes to rectify the situation.
4. Be loving and patient. Don’t push your spouse to forgive you.
The difference between a false and genuine apology.
Learn how apologizing can build trust and connection again in your marriage.

Resources Mentioned During the Episode:

To learn more about boundaries, listen to our episode This Is The Year You Learn To Set Boundaries: 4 Tips For People-Pleasers
Want to hear more about the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)? Listen to A Conflict-Free Marriage Is Not The Goal
Can you fight with your spouse without ruining your marriage? Yes! It can be done and we show you how in this episode.
Learn more about the art of apologizing by picking up Harriet Lerner’s book, Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

Quotes and Tweets:

Making mistakes is what makes us human. But, when you’ve hurt your spouse, knowing the right way to apologize makes all the difference. @imbetweenshow
Successful relationships master the art of apology. @GottmanInst
True apologies strengthen your relationship and bring you closer together, not further apart. @imbetweenshow
Apologizing to your spouse and healing your relationship involves more than just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about repairing your connection. @imbetweenshow
You need to know what a bad apology sounds like. It’s the key to your understanding of why your apologies are driving a wedge between you and your spouse instead of bringing you closer together. @imbetweenshow
Many well-intentioned folks want to apologize and genuinely don’t know how to. They’ve said “I’m sorry” and don’t understand why the hurt party doesn’t soften up. Recognizing the most common ingredients of a failed apology will lay the groundwork for knowing how to offer a successful one. @HarrietLerner
If your main reason for saying sorry is to get things back to normal as soon as possible, your apology is not sincere. In fact, it might even make things worse because your spouse will recognize your apology as having an ulterior motive. @imbetweenshow
Relationships are a tender dance that can have many stepping on toes moments from both dance partners. But, by knowing how to apologize well, these stepping on toes moments can go from hurting each other to learning to work together and repair your emotional connection. @imbetweenshow