179: 6 Ways To Deepen The Love In Your Marriage

Daniel and Christina discuss strategies for deepening love in your relationship. They explore how to address complaints constructively, repair conflicts, and avoid contempt. They also highlight the role of physical touch, expressing gratitude, and the power of forgiveness in strengthening marital bonds. The episode provides practical advice and personal insights for couples looking to enhance their relationship and foster a deeper connection.

In This Episode, You Will Hear About The Following:

• Addressing complaints without blame in a marriage
• Repairing conflicts and distinguishing between solvable and perpetual conflicts
• Sticking to the issues during arguments and avoiding contemptuous behaviour
• Understanding underlying emotions and addressing unmet needs in relationships
• Extending the time between feeling, thinking, and speaking in a relationship
• The significance of physical touch and the impact of oxytocin on reducing stress hormones
• Growing fondness and admiration in a marriage through gratitude and appreciation
• Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood and the role of forgiveness
• Practicing apologizing and forgiving in a marriage

TimeStamps:

• Share your complaint without pointing fingers (00:07:41) Discussing the difference between sharing complaints and criticizing your spouse, emphasizing the importance of addressing specific issues.
• Repair conflicts with skill (00:11:14) Exploring the concept of solvable and perpetual conflicts in relationships and the significance of addressing and bouncing back from disagreements.
• Stick to talking about the issues at hand (00:12:37) Emphasizing the importance of avoiding name-calling, personal attacks, and contempt in arguments, and the need to understand underlying emotions.
• The impact of contempt on relationships (00:15:07) Exploring the destructive nature of contempt in relationships, its role as a predictor of divorce, and the need to avoid displaying contemptuous behavior.
• Recognizing and addressing signs of contempt (00:16:26) Discussing how contempt can develop over time in relationships and the importance of recognizing and addressing signs of contemptuous behavior.
• Moving toward reconciliation and repairing (00:17:26) Highlighting the significance of acknowledging and apologizing for displaying contemptuous behavior and moving towards reconciliation and repairing the relationship.
• Extending the space between feelings and thoughts (00:17:48) Discussing how to extend the time between feeling anger and reacting, to respond instead.
• Showing love through physical touch (00:19:26) Exploring the benefits of physical touch in relationships and the impact of a six-second kiss.
• Growing fondness and admiration (00:21:18) Encouraging the practice of expressing gratitude and appreciation for one’s spouse’s positive qualities.
• Seeking first to understand and then to be understood (00:23:04) Emphasizing the importance of active listening and understanding in communication.
• Practicing apologizing and forgiving (00:28:19) Discussing the significance of forgiveness and the process of seeking and granting forgiveness in relationships.
• Conclusion and episode recap (00:31:56) Summarizing the six ways to deepen love in marriage and expressing gratitude to the audience.

Resources Mentioned In This Episode:

• Learn the difference between perpetual and solvable conflicts and how to handle each of them:
  • A Conflict-Free Marriage Is Not The Goal
  • How To Fight With Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage
  • How To Repair Your Relationship After A Big Fight
• Learn about the importance of turning toward your spouse and responding to their “bids”
  • What 15 Years Of Marriage Has Taught Us
  • The 4 Keys To Long-Term Sexual Satisfaction

Questions For Personal Reflection:

• Dr. Harriet Lerner suggests that waiting for the other person to change is a recipe for failure. How do you feel about the idea of taking personal responsibility for change in a relationship?
• Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of getting good at repair as the “secret weapon” of emotionally intelligent couples. How do you currently handle conflict in your relationship?
• When discussing issues with your partner, how often do you find yourself asking, “What am I trying to accomplish?” How can this question influence the way conflicts are approached?
• How often do you remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities?

Discussion Prompts For You As A Couple:

• Reflect on our relationship dynamics. Do you perceive any patterns of withdrawal or emotional distance, especially during times of conflict? How can we work together to understand and address these patterns?
• In what ways can we avoid the trap of waiting for each other to change and instead focus on individual efforts to strengthen our connection?
• Reflect on instances where we’ve demonstrated emotional attunement, turning toward each other, listening, and showing empathy. How can we make these actions more intentional in our daily interactions?
• Considering the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, how can we increase positive reinforcement in our relationship? Share ideas for expressing appreciation and love more frequently.
• How would you describe our current approach to conflict resolution? Are there areas where we could improve, especially in terms of effective repair after conflicts?
• Share positive qualities you admire in each other. How often do we express these feelings out loud?
• Reflect on recent disagreements. How can we seek common ground and understand each other’s perspectives rather than insisting on getting our own way?
• Reflect on the role of apology in our relationship. How can we ensure that apologies are sincere and contribute to the healing process?