151: How to Support Your Hurting Spouse When You’re Hurting Too

In Episode 151, we’re going to be discussing how to support your hurting spouse when you are hurting too. This topic hits close to home because we’ve lived it this past year. In May of last year, we said goodbye to Daniel’s dad after a brave 16 month battle with cancer. Thankfully, we were literally there to say goodbye to him. We had flown into Daniel’s hometown on Sunday and his dad unexpectedly passed away two days later. 
We weren’t ready for this kind of grief. No one is. 

I’m Not Okay. You’re Not Okay. Together…We’ll Make It Through.

Many of you have been grieving and hurting as well. Perhaps you’ve lost a loved one too. Maybe you’ve lost your job in these tumultuous times. Perhaps you’ve lost friends or family members over differences of opinion. It’s been a difficult few years, to say the least. 

So, how do you support your spouse when you’re hurting too? How do you not ignore your own pain to be there for your spouse? How do you not resent your spouse for needing extra attention when they are not necessarily paying attention to your needs and wants? There are no easy answers, but we wanted to share with you a few tips that have helped us during these difficult times. 

In This Episode, You’ll Hear About:

• How to support your spouse in the middle of your own pain
• The 5 ways to be there for your spouse when you’re hurting too:
  1. Remember that self care is important
  2. Set at least 10 minutes a day or more to listening to each other
  3. Ask for what you need
  4. Listen to triggers
  5. Make time for laughter and fun between you

Resources Mentioned During This EPisode:

• Jennie Allen, Get Out Of YOur Head Study Guide: A Study In Philippians
• Learn more about the importance of self-care and The 7 Keys To Resiliency in our interview with Laura Howe
• Get a taste about what couples counseling entails: 3 Clear Signs You Need Couples Counseling with Monica DiCristina

Quotes And Tweets:

• Practicing self-care does not mean you are choosing yourself over your loved one. It means that you are simply being mindful of your own needs, so you are better able to support your spouse.
• Self-care comes in a variety of forms. It does not require an elaborate plan; self-care can be as simple as taking a deep breath when you notice you are becoming stressed. 
• When we feel heard and cared about, our hurts become more manageable.
• Instead of complaining or giving your spouse the cold shoulder, try this sentence: I feel ________about ___________. I need ________ .
• Often current problems brings up feelings from past experiences which adds to the hurt. 
• When we know that our spouse cares about us and what we are going through, it becomes easier to show that we care for them as well.

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DAte Ideas Depending on Time:

How much time do you have for a date? Whether you have 10 minutes or you have all day, here are some date ideas.

10-minute DAtes:

• Dance to your wedding song
• Walk around your neighbourhood. Pick a route you usually don’t take
• Have a snack and tell your spouse what is important in your life right now
• Backrub and hair/head massage swap
• Sit on your bed and listen to music

Hour-Long Dates:

• Exercise together
• Read aloud a chapter of a book and discuss
• Cook or bake a new recipe
• Look through old photos
• Listen to a podcast together and discuss
• Talk about how you first met and your favourite date together in your first year as a couple
• Work on a puzzle or play a boardgame

Date Night (a couple of Hours):

• Drive to a spot with a good view of the night sky. Use an app to discover stars you’ve never heard of before
• Create a grattitude list: can you come up with 50 things you are grateful for?
• Spend time on a joint hobby or create something together that can be added to your home
• Movie and then dinner (so you can critique the movie together)
• Take an online class

Day DAte:

• Visit a local landmark or do a virtual tour of a musem anywhere in the world
• Do a virtual visit of Disneyworld (look up Youtube videos of rides at disney)
• Explore a nearby town
• Brunch and a hike
• Make a list of all the coffee shops you want to check out in your city and make a plan to cross them off one by one