137: How To Repair Your Relationship After A Big Fight

March 22, 2021

In every conflict, there are two options: to go down the road of an argument or open the doors to a deeper conversation which can lead to a greater understanding between you and your spouse. As John Gottman’s research has shown, it doesn’t actually matter what you fight about. What matters is how you repair your relationship after the fight. In Episode 137, we want to give you the framework of how to repair your relationship after a big fight. Because, if you don’t process your conflicts, you may both find yourselves feeling disrespected, unheard, lonely, and festering in your anger. The little fights will become huge arguments because you don’t feel safe with one another.

Soulmates to Roommates: how did we get here?

We have talked to many couples who realize they have drifted apart. They are more like roommates than soulmates. When we ask how they got to this point, many of them say that they just stopped talking. It was less painful to just coast along in the same space than to face the pain. When unresolved conflict is allowed to live in your marriage and your home, often these wounds are left open. They are so painful that we make “I will never” promises to ourselves: “I will never share my true feelings with my spouse again” or “I will never let my spouse hurt me this deeply again.”

The problem is that you cannot just suppress your hurt feelings. Those feelings don’t magically disappear. And avoiding feelings only works for so long. Sometimes we believe that shutting down and saying nothing is the way to go. But, shutting your spouse out of the chance to both share your thoughts, your emotions, and your lives jeopardizes your emotional connection.

Emotional Connection?

With significant unresolved problems, couples tend to disconnect emotionally from one another. They just don’t feel emotionally safe with each other. As Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focussed Therapy says, ”Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally, and re-establish a sense of safe connection.” When we feel insecure in our relationship, we don’t feel safe enough to express our deeper, more vulnerable emotions.

It’s Time To Reconnect:

The good news is that we can learn how to process what Dr. Gottman coins “regrettable incidents” which can help us reconnect with one another and strengthen the attachment bond. In his research, Dr. Gottman noticed that one of the predictors of a relationship’s failure is the couple’s inability to manage conflict in a healthy manner and to move forward. On the other hand, couples who are able to process past painful events and come to an understanding of why they had an argument, are able to build a very strong relationship. They are able to ask themselves and each other, “What was the conversation we needed to have, but didn’t?”

In This Episode, You Will Hear About:

The importance of emotional attachment.
How to process past painful arguments and move on.
The 5 steps to repairing your relationship after a big fight:
1. Share how you felt during the fight.
2. Share your realities and validate each other.
3. Share your triggers.
4. Take responsibility for your role.
5. Constructive planning.

Resources Mentioned During the Episode:

To hear more about resolving conflict with your in-laws go, listen to our previous episodes:
- How To Not Hate Your In-Laws
- Learning To Love Your In-Laws Part 1 and Part 2
Learn more about how you can argue well with your spouse without WWIII happening. Listen to:
- How To Fight With Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage
- A Conflict-Free Marriage Is Not The Goal
Printable Feelings Wheel by The Gottman Institute

Quotes and Tweets:

May you learn to love well, laugh well, and fight well together. @imbetweenshow
It doesn’t actually matter what you and your spouse fight about. What matters is how you repair your relationship and emotional connection after the fight. @imbetweenshow
The little fights will become huge arguments if you don’t feel safe with one another. @imbetweenshow
Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Dr. Sue Johnson
[In an argument], The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally, and re-establish a sense of safe connection. Dr. Sue Johnson
Building a great marriage is hard work and requires growth and understanding from both spouses. At times, this means that you will need to take the time to process difficult arguments when both of you are in a calmer space. @imbetweenshow
Keep in mind that the point of having this conversation is to create a greater understanding between you and your spouse. @imbetweenshow
Dr. Gottman noticed that one of the predictors of a relationship’s failure is the couple’s inability to manage conflict in a healthy manner and to move forward knowing the source of why they felt like they couldn’t move on from the argument. @imbetweenshow
When we feel insecure in our relationship, we don’t feel safe enough to express our deeper, more vulnerable emotions. @imbetweenshow
We want to give you the framework of how to repair your relationship after a big fight. Because, if you don’t process your conflicts, you may both find yourselves feeling disrespected, unheard, lonely, and festering in your anger. @imbetweenshow