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Episodes / Marriage / Personal Growth / Relationship

131: This Is The Year You Learn To Set Boundaries: 4 Tips For People-Pleasers

February 8, 2021

Many times we do not set boundaries because we feel the need to help others or we fear disappointing them. While helping others is not wrong, if you feel like you can’t say no because you’re afraid of disappointing the other person, or you feel like you are giving so much of yourself that you are exhausted or in deep emotional pain, it has crossed the line of helping to hurting. That’s why, in Episode 131, we want to teach you how you can learn to set boundaries…even if you’re a people-pleaser! This is the year you learn to set boundaries. We’ll also address some common myths about boundaries, which may be the reason why you aren’t setting them. Let’s dive in!

What is a boundary?

Boundaries are what define us. They define what is you and what is not you. In its simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It outlines the beginning and end of something. By having boundaries, you are able to know what we are to own and take responsibility for. In relationships, ownership is really important. If you know where the boundaries are in a relationship, you know who “owns” things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. You don’t own someone else’s feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Neither do they own your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors.

It’s important to note that boundaries are not walls. They are not meant to keep people out—it isn’t an excuse for you to be a hermit or unkind to those who are outside of your boundaries. In John 17:11, it says that we are to be “one.” We are to be in community with others. But, in every community, all members have their own space and property. As author Dr. Henry Cloud says, “The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger. Boundaries help us distinguish our property so that we can take care of it.” In other words, boundaries help you take care and improve your own life. Instead of being SO concerned about what others are thinking or doing, focus on your own health and well-being.

Have you Taken The Relationship Check-in Quiz?

Take this relationship quiz with your spouse. Within minutes, you will immediately see the strengths of your relationship and also the areas of growth that you can focus on this year. We know this is going to be a great asset in building a strong, connected, and joy-filled marriage.

In This Episode, You Will Hear About:

  • The 4 myths about boundaries:
    1. If I set boundaries, I am being selfish.
    2. If I begin to set boundaries, I will be hurt by others.
    3. If I set boundaries, I will hurt others.
    4. Boundaries are permanent and can never change.
  • How to set intentional boundaries, even if you’ve never done so before.
  • The best way to discover where you need to draw boundaries in your life.
  • How to communicate your boundaries with those around you without making people feel defensive.
  • The importance of cheerleaders in your life when you are learning to set boundaries.

Resources Mentioned During the Episode:

  • To learn more about boundaries, read Dr. Henry Cloud’s book Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life
  • Teach your kids how to set boundaries, even at a young age. Listen to our episode, Why Kids Need Boundaries 
  • Do you want to learn more about yourself, especially what you look like in health? The Enneagram can help! Listen to our previous episodes about the Enneagram
  • Are you struggling with understanding the nuances of adult friendships? These episodes will help: Adult Friendships 101: What They Didn’t Teach You In School and Adult Friendships 201: Why Some Friendships Change Over Time (And How To Be Okay With That)

Quotes and Tweets:

  • Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others because it helps all of us know and understand that we are no one’s savior.  @imbetweenshow
  • We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will also love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who cannot respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance.- Dr. Henry Cloud
  • Boundaries are not an offensive weapon. Boundaries are a defensive tool.  @imbetweenshow
  • Remember that you can’t change others. We are not responsible for what comes out of their mouth, the daily choices they make, or their reactions. We can only change ourselves. @imbetweenshow
  • Your boundaries are for you, not the person in front of you. @imbetweenshow
  • When learning to set boundaries, surround yourself with others that remind you of who you are in Christ. And also that you are not responsible for other’s people’s feelings or reactions to your boundaries. @imbetweenshow
  • By having boundaries, we are able to know what we are to own and take responsibility for. I don’t own your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Neither do you own mine. @imbetweenshow

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TAGS:Adultboundariesboundarycheerleaderscomplaincedefensiveenneagramfriendshiphenry cloudmythsoffensivepainpeople pleasersproperty linereactionsrelationshipresponsiblewallsweapon
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Daniel and Christina Im
about us

Daniel and Christina Im

We’re Daniel and Christina Im. Our heart’s desire and mission is to give you the tools to build a strong, connected, and joy-filled marriage and family.

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One significant takeaway from our latest episode with @shannonbrinkwriter is the power of empathy in relationships, especially when one partner is enduring prolonged suffering. Shannon emphasizes that genuine empathy, rather than superficial reassurances, is crucial. This approach helps foster an environment where both partners feel heard and understood, navigating their struggles together. It’s a reminder of how important it is to be truly present with our loved ones in their times of need.

Tune into Episode 193 of the IMbetween Podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts!
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imbetweenshow
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One significant takeaway from our latest episode with @shannonbrinkwriter is the power of empathy in relationships, especially when one partner is enduring prolonged suffering. Shannon emphasizes that genuine empathy, rather than superficial reassurances, is crucial. This approach helps foster an environment where both partners feel heard and understood, navigating their struggles together. It’s a reminder of how important it is to be truly present with our loved ones in their times of need. Tune into Episode 193 of the IMbetween Podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts!
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@imbetweenshow

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Hello Instagram

One significant takeaway from our latest episode with @shannonbrinkwriter is the power of empathy in relationships, especially when one partner is enduring prolonged suffering. Shannon emphasizes that genuine empathy, rather than superficial reassurances, is crucial. This approach helps foster an environment where both partners feel heard and understood, navigating their struggles together. It’s a reminder of how important it is to be truly present with our loved ones in their times of need.

Tune into Episode 193 of the IMbetween Podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts!
imbetweenshow
imbetweenshow
•
Follow
One significant takeaway from our latest episode with @shannonbrinkwriter is the power of empathy in relationships, especially when one partner is enduring prolonged suffering. Shannon emphasizes that genuine empathy, rather than superficial reassurances, is crucial. This approach helps foster an environment where both partners feel heard and understood, navigating their struggles together. It’s a reminder of how important it is to be truly present with our loved ones in their times of need. Tune into Episode 193 of the IMbetween Podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts!
2 months ago
View on Instagram |
1/5
Did you know our culture is increasingly aware of the importance of our inner life and rejecting hustle culture? In Episode 192 of our podcast, @mindycaliguire shares insights from @soul_care’s “listening tour” that revealed this shift. 

To hear the key to thriving in a busy world, tune into Episode 192 of the IMbetween Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
imbetweenshow
imbetweenshow
•
Follow
Did you know our culture is increasingly aware of the importance of our inner life and rejecting hustle culture? In Episode 192 of our podcast, @mindycaliguire shares insights from @soul_care’s “listening tour” that revealed this shift. To hear the key to thriving in a busy world, tune into Episode 192 of the IMbetween Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
2 months ago
View on Instagram |
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Did you know that your Enneagram type affects what happens in the bedroom with your spouse? In Episode 191 of the IMbetween Podcast, we interview Christa Hardin (@enneagramandmarriage) on: 

♥️ Understanding the Enneagram and its relevance to intimacy in marriage.

💙 The role of the Enneagram in enhancing self-awareness and partner understanding.

💜 Natural states of intimacy for different Enneagram types and potential conflicts.

💖 Creating a safe environment for open communication about intimacy.

💞 Navigating differences in sexual desires and preferences between partners.

💚 Insights into the strengths and growth areas of each Enneagram type regarding intimacy.

♥️ The importance of vulnerability and emotional connection in intimate relationships.

💙 Strategies for addressing and overcoming intimacy challenges specific to each Enneagram type.

💜 The significance of nonverbal cues and emotional awareness during intimate moments.

💕 Encouragement for couples to explore deeper connections through understanding their Enneagram types.

Tune into Episode 191 of the @imbetweenshow wherever you listen to podcasts!
imbetweenshow
imbetweenshow
•
Follow
Did you know that your Enneagram type affects what happens in the bedroom with your spouse? In Episode 191 of the IMbetween Podcast, we interview Christa Hardin (@enneagramandmarriage) on: ♥️ Understanding the Enneagram and its relevance to intimacy in marriage. 💙 The role of the Enneagram in enhancing self-awareness and partner understanding. 💜 Natural states of intimacy for different Enneagram types and potential conflicts. 💖 Creating a safe environment for open communication about intimacy. 💞 Navigating differences in sexual desires and preferences between partners. 💚 Insights into the strengths and growth areas of each Enneagram type regarding intimacy. ♥️ The importance of vulnerability and emotional connection in intimate relationships. 💙 Strategies for addressing and overcoming intimacy challenges specific to each Enneagram type. 💜 The significance of nonverbal cues and emotional awareness during intimate moments. 💕 Encouragement for couples to explore deeper connections through understanding their Enneagram types. Tune into Episode 191 of the @imbetweenshow wherever you listen to podcasts!
3 months ago
View on Instagram |
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As we approach Black History Month, join us as we hear @trillianewbell share inspiring stories of Black Christians and how a shared meal can ignite meaningful conversations about history and identity! 

Listen to Episode 190 wherever you get your podcasts, or by clicking the link in our bio.
imbetweenshow
imbetweenshow
•
Follow
As we approach Black History Month, join us as we hear @trillianewbell share inspiring stories of Black Christians and how a shared meal can ignite meaningful conversations about history and identity! Listen to Episode 190 wherever you get your podcasts, or by clicking the link in our bio.
4 months ago
View on Instagram |
4/5
🥦 Food isn’t just fuel; it’s packed with emotions! 

On episode 189 of our @imbetweenshow podcast, we discussed with @caroline.fausel from @oliveyouwhole on how our emotional ties to food can influence our eating habits (among many other topics related to living a simply healthy life).

Ever found yourself reaching for snacks when stressed? Caroline explains how our brains wire together experiences of using food to feel better, and how this emotional connection can complicate our relationship with food. On this episode you will discover how food is deeply personal and understanding our emotional ties to it is crucial for lasting change.

Listen wherever you get your podcasts! Episode 189 on the IMbetween Podcast.
imbetweenshow
imbetweenshow
•
Follow
🥦 Food isn’t just fuel; it’s packed with emotions! On episode 189 of our @imbetweenshow podcast, we discussed with @caroline.fausel from @oliveyouwhole on how our emotional ties to food can influence our eating habits (among many other topics related to living a simply healthy life). Ever found yourself reaching for snacks when stressed? Caroline explains how our brains wire together experiences of using food to feel better, and how this emotional connection can complicate our relationship with food. On this episode you will discover how food is deeply personal and understanding our emotional ties to it is crucial for lasting change. Listen wherever you get your podcasts! Episode 189 on the IMbetween Podcast.
4 months ago
View on Instagram |
5/5
@imbetweenshow
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