131: This Is The Year You Learn To Set Boundaries: 4 Tips For People-Pleasers

February 8, 2021

Many times we do not set boundaries because we feel the need to help others or we fear disappointing them. While helping others is not wrong, if you feel like you can’t say no because you’re afraid of disappointing the other person, or you feel like you are giving so much of yourself that you are exhausted or in deep emotional pain, it has crossed the line of helping to hurting. That’s why, in Episode 131, we want to teach you how you can learn to set boundaries…even if you’re a people-pleaser! This is the year you learn to set boundaries. We’ll also address some common myths about boundaries, which may be the reason why you aren’t setting them. Let’s dive in!

What is a boundary?

Boundaries are what define us. They define what is you and what is not you. In its simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It outlines the beginning and end of something. By having boundaries, you are able to know what we are to own and take responsibility for. In relationships, ownership is really important. If you know where the boundaries are in a relationship, you know who “owns” things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. You don’t own someone else’s feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Neither do they own your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors.

It’s important to note that boundaries are not walls. They are not meant to keep people out—it isn’t an excuse for you to be a hermit or unkind to those who are outside of your boundaries. In John 17:11, it says that we are to be “one.” We are to be in community with others. But, in every community, all members have their own space and property. As author Dr. Henry Cloud says, “The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger. Boundaries help us distinguish our property so that we can take care of it.” In other words, boundaries help you take care and improve your own life. Instead of being SO concerned about what others are thinking or doing, focus on your own health and well-being.

Have you Taken The Relationship Check-in Quiz?

Take this relationship quiz with your spouse. Within minutes, you will immediately see the strengths of your relationship and also the areas of growth that you can focus on this year. We know this is going to be a great asset in building a strong, connected, and joy-filled marriage.

In This Episode, You Will Hear About:

The 4 myths about boundaries:
1. If I set boundaries, I am being selfish.
2. If I begin to set boundaries, I will be hurt by others.
3. If I set boundaries, I will hurt others.
4. Boundaries are permanent and can never change.
How to set intentional boundaries, even if you’ve never done so before.
The best way to discover where you need to draw boundaries in your life.
How to communicate your boundaries with those around you without making people feel defensive.
The importance of cheerleaders in your life when you are learning to set boundaries.

Resources Mentioned During the Episode:

To learn more about boundaries, read Dr. Henry Cloud’s book Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life
Teach your kids how to set boundaries, even at a young age. Listen to our episode, Why Kids Need Boundaries
Do you want to learn more about yourself, especially what you look like in health? The Enneagram can help! Listen to our previous episodes about the Enneagram
Are you struggling with understanding the nuances of adult friendships? These episodes will help: Adult Friendships 101: What They Didn’t Teach You In School and Adult Friendships 201: Why Some Friendships Change Over Time (And How To Be Okay With That)

Quotes and Tweets:

Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others because it helps all of us know and understand that we are no one’s savior. @imbetweenshow
We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will also love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who cannot respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance.- Dr. Henry Cloud
Boundaries are not an offensive weapon. Boundaries are a defensive tool. @imbetweenshow
Remember that you can’t change others. We are not responsible for what comes out of their mouth, the daily choices they make, or their reactions. We can only change ourselves. @imbetweenshow
Your boundaries are for you, not the person in front of you. @imbetweenshow
When learning to set boundaries, surround yourself with others that remind you of who you are in Christ. And also that you are not responsible for other’s people’s feelings or reactions to your boundaries. @imbetweenshow
By having boundaries, we are able to know what we are to own and take responsibility for. I don’t own your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Neither do you own mine. @imbetweenshow