114: How To Fight With Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage

September 21, 2020

Is there a way to fight with your spouse without the argument blowing up into World War III? We previously discussed what to do with perpetual conflicts and how a conflict-free marriage should not be your goal because it’s impossible. On Episode 114, we want to dive deeper into those “solvable conflicts” and how you can fight with your spouse without ruining your marriage.

While conflict is inevitable in a marriage, we’ve learned through experience that there are many different ways we can fight; and some fights may last longer or hurt deeper than we intended because of the “weapon of choice” we choose to battle with. Here are 5 tools you can use during your next argument to help defuse the flames of a fight.

In This Episode, You Will Hear About:

The difference between solvable and perpetual conflicts
A new model for solving your solvable problems in your marriage
5 steps to helping you fight with your spouse without ruining your marriage:
- Soften your start-up
- Learn to send and receive repair attempts
- Soothe yourself and each other
- Finding common ground
- Address emotional injuries
Questions to ask your spouse about soothing and self-soothing:
- What makes us feel flooded?
- How do we bring up issues or complaints?
- When you feel flooded, is there something I can do to soothe you?
- How do you think you could soothe me when I feel flooded?
- What signals can we send each other when we feel flooded so we can take breaks and soothe each other?

Resources Mentioned During the Episode:

Quotes and Tweets:

69% of problems in a relationship are perpetual. They are unsolvable. @Gottmaninst
How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. @imbetweenshow
If you start off your conversation harshly, chances are that the discussion will continue to escalate and it will turn into a full-blown fight. @imbetweenshow
When a spouse starts the conversation gently, it communicates respect and causes both partners to feel positive about themselves and their marriage. @Gottmaninst
Flooding makes repair attempts physically impossible to hear. @Gottmaninst
If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants. @Gottmaninst
it’s impossible to come to an agreement unless you accept your spouse’s flaws and quirks. We all know no one is perfect, but somehow during conflicts, we can get stuck and weighed down by the “if only…” @imbetweenshow
Coming to an agreement or compromise is not about one person changing or “giving up”. It’s about negotiating and discovering ways to accommodate each other. @Gottmaninst