147: When Strivings Cease With Ruth Chou Simons

In Episode 147, we have the great honor of interviewing Ruth Chou Simons. Y’all…this was such an incredible discussion as we jump right into why we need to stop pretending we have it all together, the gospel of self-improvement, and why we need to replace it with the gospel of life-transforming grace.

We talk about growing up in a shame-based household as we all grew up in first-generation Asian families, and how she learned not to carry on the same way of parenting into her own family. We also talk about what it means to be a third-culture-kid and strive for approval. We could have talked to her for hours on end as we feel like we were just scratching the surface of what it means and how it feels to be an Asian North American during this time. 

In This Episode, You’ll Hear About:

• Why we need to stop pretending we have it altogether
• Why we need to replace the gospel of self-improvement with with the gospel of life-transforming grace
• How to parent beyond a shame-based parenting style you grew up with
• What it means to be a third-culture-kid and how to break the cycle of worry, fear, weariness, busyness, comparison, joylessness, and striving for approval
• How grace is meant to transform us, and fuel the change we want to see in our lives

Resources Mentioned In This Podcast:

• Pick up a copy of Ruth’s most recent book, When Strivings Cease: Replacing The Gospel Of Self-Improvement With The Gospel Of Life Transforming Grace
• Check out Ruth’s incredible art at her website, Gracelaced.com
• Want to find out more about third-culture kids? Read the book, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

Quotes and Tweets:

• If disappointment in others reveals pride, disappointment in yourself reveals shame. Neither finds its way to hope unless what’s wrong is made right. – Ruth Chou Simons
• I needed someone to tell me that avoiding disappointment could never give me what I really wanted: true welcome. – Ruth Chou Simons
• You and I are freed from disappointment in others and disappointment in ourselves, not because we can let it go but because God stops us in the middle of our striving and comes after us. – Ruth Chou Simons
• He doesn’t let us go—let us go on in our merit-building, approval- chasing, people-pleasing, or measuring up. He meets us right where pride and shame have left us stuck and disappointed—and sets out the welcome mat of grace for me and for you. We need only to leave where we’ve been and step in. – Ruth Chou Simons
• Truth is, I can’t think about God’s pleasure and provision through the way he made me when I’m more focused on what others think of me. You can’t long for the approval of God and others at the same time. One always eclipses the other. – Ruth Chou Simons
• When I substitute God’s purpose with my own performance, I make myself a slave to perfection, believing my awesomeness will save me from discomfort, embarrassment, and other fears I dread most. And when I let myself believe that my performance is the key to securing all that I need in life, including God’s favor, I set myself up for joyless doing. – Ruth Chou Simons
• We who were once dead are now made alive. Grace is not a betterment plan; it’s a total replacement offer – Ruth Chou Simons

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Today’s Tool: Ask Open Ended QUestions

 
Asking open-ended questions is a wonderful way to update your love maps with one another. Love Maps is a phrase coined by Dr. Gottman to refer to our inner worlds. When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map of your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. But the map you hand your partner is a pencil sketch. 

Your task is to intentionally be adding details to that map. It needs scale, direction, a legend.  Over the course of a lifetime, you will be constantly adding to your maps. A detailed Love Map brings perspective to the twists and turns that will enter a marriage. 

Here are some questions based on this week’s episode to ask your spouse: 

1. Do you remember a time as a child that you felt like you didn’t belong? 
2. In what areas of your life do you feel like you aren’t enough? 
3. In what areas of your life do you want to see God’s life-transforming grace? 

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Meet Ruth Chou Simons: