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Episodes / Interviews / Marriage

107: Help! We Have a Sexless Marriage with Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley

July 6, 2020

Do you feel like you have a sexless marriage? You are not alone and there is hope. In Episode 107, Daniel and Christina interview Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley about what triggers sexual inactivity in a marriage, what to do if there is a mismatch in the desire for sex, and some practical steps you can take to resurrect your sex life.

Sex Conversation Questions for Couples:

  • Here are 6 sex conversation starter questions for you and your spouse

In This Episode, You Will Hear About:

  • God’s design for sex and how sex is not just about serving your spouse
  • What triggers sexual inactivity in a marriage
  • What to do if there is a mismatch in the desire for sex
  • Practical steps you can take to resurrect your sex life

Resources Mentioned During the Episode:

  • To find out more about Dr. Greg and Erin, go to Focus On The Family 
  • Pick up a copy of the Smalley’s newest book, Reconnected: Moving From Roommates to Soulmates in Marriage
  • What If You Desire Sex More Than Your Husband Does? An article by Erin Smalley
  • Will Porn Ruin My Marriage? An interview with Dr. Simon Sheh
  • How To Strengthen Your Marriage in 15 Minutes An Interview with Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey
  • Keeping The Romance Alive

Quotes and Tweets:

  • Do it often in a way that feels good to both of you. @DrGregandErin
  • When there are problems in the bedroom, couples experience a profound level of dissatisfaction in the marriage. @DrGregandErin
  • According to the more than 800,000 individuals that have completed the Focus on Marriage assessment, sex is the top marriage struggle. The most common issue for couples is a mismatch in desire. @DrGregandErin
  • Although the definition isn’t the same for every couple, the experts define a sexless marriage as having intercourse fewer than ten times a year, which impacts about 15 to 20 percent of couples. @DrGregandErin
  • Your sexual relationship can be resurrected. There is always hope. We serve an amazing God who is passionate about sex. Status quo in the bedroom doesn’t have to be your reality any longer. You can revitalize your sexual intimacy. @DrGregandErin
  • You may feel angry or humiliated for being rejected sexually by your spouse. Maybe sex has always been absent in your marriage. Instead of punishing your spouse, reach out in tender compassion. But tender compassion will only happen if your heart is open. @DrGregandErin
  • A lack of sexual initiation or responsiveness is usually a symptom of a deeper problem. If sex is missing from your marriage, discover why. If you don’t want sex, investigate what’s going on for you. @DrGregandErin

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And don’t forget to subscribe to our podcast, so that you will never miss an episode!

_____________________________________________________________

Meet Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley:

Dr. Greg Smalley serves as the vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family. In this role, he develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages and help couples in marital crises. Erin Smalley serves as a strategic marriage spokesperson for Focus on the Family’s marriage ministry, where she develops content for the marriage department. Erin is also an author and conference speaker. She presents with her husband, Dr. Greg Smalley, at marriage enrichment seminars where they guide couples in taking steps toward enjoying deeply satisfying marriages. In their latest book, Reconnected: Moving From Roommates to Soulmates in Marriage, Dr. Greg and counsellor Erin Smalley offer practical ways to rekindle the passionate, intimate, heart-to-heart spark of connection between husbands and wives.
TAGS:conversationdesireErinFocus On The FamilyGreghusbandinterviewmarriagepornpornographyreconnectedromanceroommatessexsexlessSmalleysoulmateswife
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Daniel and Christina Im
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Daniel and Christina Im

We’re Daniel and Christina Im. Our heart’s desire and mission is to give you the tools to build a strong, connected, and joy-filled marriage and family.

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Ever feel like an imposter in your own life? @cassandralspeer shares her struggles with imposter syndrome. On episode 195 of the IMbetween Podcast, we delved into how these feelings of inadequacy can actually highlight our humility and dependence on God. It’s a poignant reminder that feeling unqualified doesn’t disqualify us from our purpose—it can be a step towards it.

Listen wherever you get your podcasts or at https://imbetween.org/epsiode195/
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Follow
Ever feel like an imposter in your own life? @cassandralspeer shares her struggles with imposter syndrome. On episode 195 of the IMbetween Podcast, we delved into how these feelings of inadequacy can actually highlight our humility and dependence on God. It’s a poignant reminder that feeling unqualified doesn’t disqualify us from our purpose—it can be a step towards it. Listen wherever you get your podcasts or at https://imbetween.org/epsiode195/
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Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
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Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
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V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
•
Follow
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂 Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
1 month ago
View on Instagram |
4/5
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You all represent different times and aspects of my life made all the more meaningful and brighter because of your presence. 

My 40s started off with me doing some pretty deep healing, learning to dream again, learning my limits, learning how to say no, learning to ask for what I needed, and learning to listen to my body. It has been a bumpy and beautiful journey.

8 weeks ago, I felt my body start to crave running again. Since my concussion 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to run without it resulting in a massive migraine. Running was not only something I no longer enjoyed, it was an activity that caused me deep pain. I was quite surprised when I felt this urge to run, but I’ve learned to listen to my body. I also knew it had been a LONG time since my feet had hit the pavement in a speed faster than a walk, so I needed to take it slow. I also needed to re-learn how to run. 

I started the Peloton run outdoors program. My first run outdoors was a bit chaotic and quite humorous; I felt completely out of my element and could only run 2 minutes without needing to walk. But, what I would have previously labelled “embarrassing” (which would have led me to quit), felt more like I was honouring what my body was signalling to me. I did not have a headache and it felt good. 

Fast forward 2 months and I finished my Peloton running outdoors program today where I ran 30 minutes straight without walking or stopping…a huge accomplishment as compared to day one. I think I will always be learning how to love and accept my body, but today, I rejoice that I am one step closer.
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You all represent different times and aspects of my life made all the more meaningful and brighter because of your presence. 

My 40s started off with me doing some pretty deep healing, learning to dream again, learning my limits, learning how to say no, learning to ask for what I needed, and learning to listen to my body. It has been a bumpy and beautiful journey.

8 weeks ago, I felt my body start to crave running again. Since my concussion 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to run without it resulting in a massive migraine. Running was not only something I no longer enjoyed, it was an activity that caused me deep pain. I was quite surprised when I felt this urge to run, but I’ve learned to listen to my body. I also knew it had been a LONG time since my feet had hit the pavement in a speed faster than a walk, so I needed to take it slow. I also needed to re-learn how to run. 

I started the Peloton run outdoors program. My first run outdoors was a bit chaotic and quite humorous; I felt completely out of my element and could only run 2 minutes without needing to walk. But, what I would have previously labelled “embarrassing” (which would have led me to quit), felt more like I was honouring what my body was signalling to me. I did not have a headache and it felt good. 

Fast forward 2 months and I finished my Peloton running outdoors program today where I ran 30 minutes straight without walking or stopping…a huge accomplishment as compared to day one. I think I will always be learning how to love and accept my body, but today, I rejoice that I am one step closer.
•
Follow
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You all represent different times and aspects of my life made all the more meaningful and brighter because of your presence. My 40s started off with me doing some pretty deep healing, learning to dream again, learning my limits, learning how to say no, learning to ask for what I needed, and learning to listen to my body. It has been a bumpy and beautiful journey. 8 weeks ago, I felt my body start to crave running again. Since my concussion 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to run without it resulting in a massive migraine. Running was not only something I no longer enjoyed, it was an activity that caused me deep pain. I was quite surprised when I felt this urge to run, but I’ve learned to listen to my body. I also knew it had been a LONG time since my feet had hit the pavement in a speed faster than a walk, so I needed to take it slow. I also needed to re-learn how to run. I started the Peloton run outdoors program. My first run outdoors was a bit chaotic and quite humorous; I felt completely out of my element and could only run 2 minutes without needing to walk. But, what I would have previously labelled “embarrassing” (which would have led me to quit), felt more like I was honouring what my body was signalling to me. I did not have a headache and it felt good. Fast forward 2 months and I finished my Peloton running outdoors program today where I ran 30 minutes straight without walking or stopping…a huge accomplishment as compared to day one. I think I will always be learning how to love and accept my body, but today, I rejoice that I am one step closer.
2 months ago
View on Instagram |
5/5
@imbetweenshow

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Hello Instagram

Ever feel like an imposter in your own life? @cassandralspeer shares her struggles with imposter syndrome. On episode 195 of the IMbetween Podcast, we delved into how these feelings of inadequacy can actually highlight our humility and dependence on God. It’s a poignant reminder that feeling unqualified doesn’t disqualify us from our purpose—it can be a step towards it.

Listen wherever you get your podcasts or at https://imbetween.org/epsiode195/
•
Follow
Ever feel like an imposter in your own life? @cassandralspeer shares her struggles with imposter syndrome. On episode 195 of the IMbetween Podcast, we delved into how these feelings of inadequacy can actually highlight our humility and dependence on God. It’s a poignant reminder that feeling unqualified doesn’t disqualify us from our purpose—it can be a step towards it. Listen wherever you get your podcasts or at https://imbetween.org/epsiode195/
2 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
1/5
Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
•
Follow
Happy birthday to my bestest friend @danielsangi and the person who makes me laugh harder and louder than anyone else in this world. Life with you is more beautiful, whimsical, adventurous, full, and fun than I ever imagined. Today, we celebrate you and the gift your presence is to us. Love you forever!
3 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
2/5
🌟 Parenting Tip Alert! Ever find yourself overwhelmed by bursts of anger or frustration with your kids? You’re not alone. In our latest podcast episode, @aliciamichellecoach shares the ADD framework: Acknowledge, Discern, Decide. 

This three-step method helps parents navigate their emotions effectively. By understanding and validating our feelings, we can respond more thoughtfully to our children’s needs. Tune in to Episode 194 of the IMbetween Podcast (wherever you listen to your podcasts or at https://imbetween.org/episode194) for relatable stories and actionable advice on managing emotions in parenting.
•
Follow
🌟 Parenting Tip Alert! Ever find yourself overwhelmed by bursts of anger or frustration with your kids? You’re not alone. In our latest podcast episode, @aliciamichellecoach shares the ADD framework: Acknowledge, Discern, Decide. This three-step method helps parents navigate their emotions effectively. By understanding and validating our feelings, we can respond more thoughtfully to our children’s needs. Tune in to Episode 194 of the IMbetween Podcast (wherever you listen to your podcasts or at https://imbetween.org/episode194) for relatable stories and actionable advice on managing emotions in parenting.
4 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
3/5
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂

Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
•
Follow
V started high school today, A entered her last year of middle school, and M began his last year of elementary. Not sure how we have kids this old @danielsangi 😂 Luna was sad to be home all alone after a summer full of cuddles from the kids.
1 month ago
View on Instagram |
4/5
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You all represent different times and aspects of my life made all the more meaningful and brighter because of your presence. 

My 40s started off with me doing some pretty deep healing, learning to dream again, learning my limits, learning how to say no, learning to ask for what I needed, and learning to listen to my body. It has been a bumpy and beautiful journey.

8 weeks ago, I felt my body start to crave running again. Since my concussion 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to run without it resulting in a massive migraine. Running was not only something I no longer enjoyed, it was an activity that caused me deep pain. I was quite surprised when I felt this urge to run, but I’ve learned to listen to my body. I also knew it had been a LONG time since my feet had hit the pavement in a speed faster than a walk, so I needed to take it slow. I also needed to re-learn how to run. 

I started the Peloton run outdoors program. My first run outdoors was a bit chaotic and quite humorous; I felt completely out of my element and could only run 2 minutes without needing to walk. But, what I would have previously labelled “embarrassing” (which would have led me to quit), felt more like I was honouring what my body was signalling to me. I did not have a headache and it felt good. 

Fast forward 2 months and I finished my Peloton running outdoors program today where I ran 30 minutes straight without walking or stopping…a huge accomplishment as compared to day one. I think I will always be learning how to love and accept my body, but today, I rejoice that I am one step closer.
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You all represent different times and aspects of my life made all the more meaningful and brighter because of your presence. 

My 40s started off with me doing some pretty deep healing, learning to dream again, learning my limits, learning how to say no, learning to ask for what I needed, and learning to listen to my body. It has been a bumpy and beautiful journey.

8 weeks ago, I felt my body start to crave running again. Since my concussion 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to run without it resulting in a massive migraine. Running was not only something I no longer enjoyed, it was an activity that caused me deep pain. I was quite surprised when I felt this urge to run, but I’ve learned to listen to my body. I also knew it had been a LONG time since my feet had hit the pavement in a speed faster than a walk, so I needed to take it slow. I also needed to re-learn how to run. 

I started the Peloton run outdoors program. My first run outdoors was a bit chaotic and quite humorous; I felt completely out of my element and could only run 2 minutes without needing to walk. But, what I would have previously labelled “embarrassing” (which would have led me to quit), felt more like I was honouring what my body was signalling to me. I did not have a headache and it felt good. 

Fast forward 2 months and I finished my Peloton running outdoors program today where I ran 30 minutes straight without walking or stopping…a huge accomplishment as compared to day one. I think I will always be learning how to love and accept my body, but today, I rejoice that I am one step closer.
•
Follow
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. You all represent different times and aspects of my life made all the more meaningful and brighter because of your presence. My 40s started off with me doing some pretty deep healing, learning to dream again, learning my limits, learning how to say no, learning to ask for what I needed, and learning to listen to my body. It has been a bumpy and beautiful journey. 8 weeks ago, I felt my body start to crave running again. Since my concussion 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to run without it resulting in a massive migraine. Running was not only something I no longer enjoyed, it was an activity that caused me deep pain. I was quite surprised when I felt this urge to run, but I’ve learned to listen to my body. I also knew it had been a LONG time since my feet had hit the pavement in a speed faster than a walk, so I needed to take it slow. I also needed to re-learn how to run. I started the Peloton run outdoors program. My first run outdoors was a bit chaotic and quite humorous; I felt completely out of my element and could only run 2 minutes without needing to walk. But, what I would have previously labelled “embarrassing” (which would have led me to quit), felt more like I was honouring what my body was signalling to me. I did not have a headache and it felt good. Fast forward 2 months and I finished my Peloton running outdoors program today where I ran 30 minutes straight without walking or stopping…a huge accomplishment as compared to day one. I think I will always be learning how to love and accept my body, but today, I rejoice that I am one step closer.
2 months ago
View on Instagram |
5/5
@imbetweenshow
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